Couples who find themselves divorcing have to contend with a variety of issues, such as costly litigation or long days of negotiations. If these couples have children, they have to face another major problem: co-parenting. Co-parenting should be an opportunity to provide normalcy and stability for children in the midst of divorce, but why is co-parenting so difficult?
What Is Co-Parenting?
Co-parenting happens when divorced or separated couples choose to raise their children together, sharing responsibilities and creating a healthy, stable, and harmonious environment for their child or children. Unlike arrangements involving sole custody, co-parents must work together to raise the children.
Particularly Painful or Difficult Divorces
When divorces are particularly painful or difficult, the co-parenting situation can be as well. For instance, if there are severe disagreements over shared property, if one spouse was unfaithful, or if there was abuse of any kind, the divorce is likely to be more difficult, unearthing painful emotions in both partners.
These divorces may lead to tougher co-parenting arrangements since both parties may be more interested in hurting each other or protecting their own interests rather than providing a safe, healthy, and stable environment for their children.
Discipline Difference Among Parents
There are several methods for disciplining children: authoritative, authoritarian, gentle, or permissive. While many parents meet somewhere in the middle or choose one method over the other, they do not always come to an agreement. In the case of co-parenting, if one parent is authoritative while the other is permissive, this can cause confusion among the children and major conflict among the parents.
Financial Inequalities Between Parents
Money is one of the most important factors to consider in a marriage. Agreeing on how money is earned, spent, saved, and invested can save couples grief down the line. Financial inequalities and disagreements can be especially painful for divorced or co-parenting couples.
Sometimes, the parent with more financial resources may try to “buy the love” of their children, take them on extravagant vacations, or fund extra-curricular activities that the other parent may not be able to afford. If one parent tries to wield this power over the other, major conflicts can arise, leaving the child or children feeling guilty or ashamed.
Lack of Communication
If honest and open communication produces healthy and strong relationships, a lack of communication can lead to heartbreak, resentment, and divorce. When divorced couples fail to communicate on important issues in their co-parenting arrangement, like who will pick the children up from school or who the children will spend Christmas with, issues can arise. Couples should communicate on major issues openly so that children feel empowered and secure in the arrangement.
Personality Disorders or Mental Illness
In extreme cases, one parent may suffer from a personality disorder or a severe mental illness. In these cases, co-parenting can be especially difficult, leaving the healthier parent feeling alone, confused, and unsupported. If one party suffers from a personality disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they may be unlikely or unwilling to cooperate with the other parent, preferring instead to engage in power struggles and manipulation tactics.
In other cases, one parent may suffer from a mental illness like bipolar disorder, making them unable to care for themselves, let alone help care for the child. While the latter can be difficult to deal with, mental illness is not a personality disorder and can be treated. However, if you are co-parenting with a person with NPD, you may want to seek professional help to mediate the situation.
FAQs
Q: How Do You Deal With a Difficult Co-Parent?
A: When dealing with a difficult co-parent, it is important to depersonalize the situation. Don’t take it personally. Oftentimes, difficult co-parents were also difficult partners, thus leading to divorce in the first place. Avoid unnecessary disagreements with your co-parent, and ensure you have a firm co-parenting agreement in place to use as a benchmark for any conflicts that may arise.
Q: What Is the Hardest Part of Co-Parenting?
A: The hardest part of co-parenting is coming to agreements without heated arguments arising. This can be challenging when one or both parties refuse to communicate or compromise, opting instead to use power tactics to control the other parent. In these cases, there is only one loser: the children. Because coming to an agreement is so difficult, it is important to seek legal counsel to help mediate the situation so that parents can provide a consistent, stable, and secure environment for their children.
Q: Why Is It Hard to Co-Parent?
A: It is hard to be a co-parent for many reasons, which all typically rest on the couple’s refusal to agree on matters related to communication, finance, disciplining the children, and establishing routines.
Sometimes, lingering romantic feelings between the couple make it challenging to effectively co-parent. In these cases, the couple may prioritize controlling or manipulating the other partner rather than coming to a stable co-parenting agreement. Other times, one partner may be hurtful, harmful, or abusive. In this case, it is important to seek professional help.
Q: What Is an Example of Failure to Co-Parent?
A: An example of failure to co-parent is one parent completely disrespecting or dismissing the co-parenting agreement. One party may refuse to follow the routines outlined in the agreement or renege on the plans for disciplining the children. This same parent may refuse to parent the child altogether, leaving the brunt of the responsibility on the other parent.
Legal Options for Difficult Co-Parenting
Parenting can be a challenge for all couples. Children require consistency, stability, discipline, love, and support. When couples divorce and choose to co-parent, providing these things can be particularly difficult. Children deserve to be raised by parents who prioritize their stability, safety, and well-being. This is why parents should endeavor to co-parent with grace, communication, love, and consistency.
However, we understand how difficult co-parenting can be, especially in emotionally charged divorces. At Drury Pullen Law, we can support parents in dealing with the legal aspects of co-parenting. Contact us today to see how we can assist.